Meet Your Match: Would You Swipe Right On Gucci Or Yeezys?

Words by Noelani Piters | 2.14.20

Have you ever wondered what the Gucci bags, Rolex watches and Yeezy sneakers of the world would say if they could talk? What would their interests, dreams and pursuits be? And to go one step further — what if these investment pieces had dating profiles, serving up their best features on a platter for you to peruse? We got to the heart of the matter and unearthed the souls and stories of the most coveted catches on the resale market. Looking for love? Read on to meet your match… and get ready to swipe right.

Manolo Blahnik Hangisi Pumps

Name: Manolo Blahnik Hangisi

I’m a self-possessed stiletto seeking that perfect fit. A bit about my background… my father hails from the Canary Islands, but I was dreamt up in Chelsea as a modern-day version of 19th century French footwear à la Napoleon. Naturally, I’m a jetsetter at heart. I’m known as a wedding mainstay and have fallen head over heels in the past, but sadly it wasn’t happily ever after. As a Gemini, my duality is my greatest asset. I’m soft as satin yet tough as crystal, elegant yet easily worn for every day. And last but not least — I never buckle under pressure. 

My name means… “Which one?” in Turkish… hopefully your answer is me

I appreciate a partner who… never puts me into a box (unless it’s my own)

On the weekend, you can find me… brushing up on French history, dining out and helping my friends plan their weddings

I completely detest… getting caught in the rain

I never leave home without… my jewels

The show you must be able to binge-watch with me is… Sex and the City (full disclosure: I do make a few guest appearances in it)

You know I’m the real deal because… my brooch is bound to me with monofilament; I’ll never have a brooch glued or fixed in place with brads

RealStyle Gucci Dionysus Bag

Name: Gucci Dionysus Bag

You could say I have a flair for the dramatic, what with my logos, suede, embroidery, velvet, florals, crystals and snakeskin… but what I lack in subtlety I make up for in fine Italian craftsmanship. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of a legend. My inspiration comes from Dionysus, the ancient Greek god of wine, theater and agriculture. According to myth, Dionsyus traversed the Tigris on the back of a tiger, sent to him by Zeus. While I wouldn’t jump at the thought of crossing a river, I would consider a candle-lit dinner for two. I’ll bring the vino — white or red?

My most defininitive feature is… my textured, horseshoe-shaped clasp with twin tiger heads

Never underestimate my… purse-onality (sorry, bad joke?)

My ideal date night is… a romantic table for two, lots of wine and a bit of entertainment, whether it’s catching an art exhibition, movie or play

I’m not a fan of… minimalism… I don’t think we even share the same planet

My future partner must not… be afraid to spend time with my big Gucci family

If I were a painting, I’d be… Bacchus by Caravaggio

You know I’m authentic when… the hardware beneath my spur closure features slotted screws; Phillips-head screws are common in counterfeits

Gucci Dionysus Bag

SHOP GUCCI BAGS

RealStyle Yeezy Boost 350 V2

Name: Yeezy x adidas Boost 350 V2

Though my dad’s originally from Chicago, I’m a Californian through and through. I’m laid back and enjoy spending time in that Golden State sunshine… you just won’t find me at the beach (too much sand). I prefer to be cozy, but I will admit I balance my hype aesthetic and comfort level extremely well. While I like to keep things casual, I’m no stranger to commitment. If we get serious, I’m prepared to be your sole mate. And whether you just want to kick your feet up and relax on our first date or put me through my paces exploring DTLA, I’m down for whatever. So let me know… is it Yeezy season?

I’m the perfect partner because… I’ll always give you the support you need

I never leave home without… my Primeknit sweater

My dream car is a… Lamborghini

When it comes to exercise, I… like to get my steps in, but I’m not much of a runner

My biggest pet peeve is… getting stomped on 

You can spot me in a sea of fakes by… checking my heels — there should be a small bump where my knit meets my rubber sole

You should invest in me because… I know my worth; on average, I hold up to 166% of my value in the resale market due to my insane demand

Yeezy Boost 350 V2

SHOP ALL YEEZY x ADIDAS

RealStyle Van Cleef Alhambra

Name: Van Cleef & Arpels Alhambra

Alhambra here… enchanté! I’m as French as they come, but fun fact — I’m actually named after the Alhambra Palace in Granada, Spain. I’m looking for someone with that je ne sais quoi, a seductive single who’s as comfortable schmoozing at high-society luncheons as they are sipping midnight martinis at speakeasies. I’m also sensitive and delicate, so my partner needs to treat me with care. And if you’re superstitious, I’ve been known to bring good fortune and balance (à la Libras) into the lives of others. Let’s rendez-vous for un café and take it from there.

My raison d’être is… helping my partner feel like their best self — polished at all times

I’m happiest when… it’s spring and the flowers are in bloom (just don’t expect me to grow them… I do not have a green thumb)

If my house were on fire, the one thing I’d grab would be… my collection of precious stones, which includes everything from mother of pearl and malachite to lapis lazuli and tiger’s eye

The perfect getaway would be… a week-long sojourn in Marrakech, Morocco

My favorite poem is… “Luck is not chance” by Emily Dickinson

I’m worth the investment because… my value will hold strong for years to come — on average, I re-sell for up to 84% in the secondary market

RealStyle Rolex GMT Master

Name: Rolex GMT-Master

I’m a reliable, high-powered timepiece with a passion for precision. You may have heard of my siblings, the Rolex Submariner and the Rolex Daytona, but while we all share the family name, I’m happy to tell you I’m different. I’m outfitted with a 24-hour rotating bezel that will keep you punctual in two time zones. As a Taurus, I’m persistent, determined and also a bit of a workaholic, on the go 24/7 with my self-winding movement. I’ll never turn down a last-minute vacation to recharge, though. Whether it’s for business or pleasure, I’ll be your constant, your calendar and your clock as you criss-cross the globe.

I’m the perfect companion because… I can keep you on track, no matter where we’re headed

You’ll never find me… lounging in the sun, since my dial can fade from too much exposure

Most people don’t know that… I’ve worked with pilots for Pan-Am, NASA and the US Air Force

You know I’m authentic because… of the sleek polishing on all of my stainless steel components and the evenness of my luminescent markers

If I wrote a memoir, it would be called… A Tale Of Two Time Zones

I’m worth every penny because… of my iconic aesthetic, top-tier craftsmanship and high resale value — I retain up to 94% in the secondary market

RealStyle Eames Lounge Chair

Name: Eames Lounge Chair & Ottoman

Have you ever contemplated what the perfect marriage of form and function is? I’m the product of a problem-solving, design-minded power couple, so I constantly entertain intellectual conundrums… before inevitably slipping into a deep slumber. Don’t mistake my reveries and dozing for laziness — it’s just how I’m built. I’m a lounger with good bones and all the right curves, and I’m seeking a partner with an appreciation for fine art, stiff drinks and jazz. If we click, just know that at the end of a hard day, I’ll always be here to take the weight off your feet.

My friends consider me to be… warm, inviting and a terrific listener

My ideal date is… reclining together and gazing at the stars… even if it’s just from inside your living room

I love to read… The World of Interiors, Dwell and back issues of Arts & Architecture Magazine

On the weekend, you can find me… unwinding in the comfort of my abode (I’m a homebody, so I don’t like to travel or spend time outdoors)

My favorite sport is… baseball — after all, I was inspired by a worn-out first baseman’s mitt

You know I’m genuine because… I sit at an exact 15 degree angle (for optimum comfort) and swivel 360 degrees

Authenticity tips were contributed by Cristina Rodrigo Fine Jewelry & Watches Valuation Manager; Carlos Santos, Sneakers & Streetwear Valuation Manager; Ian Sexton, Fashion Valuation Manager; and Hannah Hammett, Home & Art Valuation Manager.

All items are pre-owned and consigned to The RealReal. Trademarks are owned by their respective brand owners. No brand owner endorses or sponsors this ad or has any association and/or affiliation with The RealReal.

Please note: Brand standards, logos and other identifying features may have changed since the time of publication.

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